Friday, November 18, 2016

Two Weeks After Being Found, Baby Jesus is Having Trouble Adjusting

Two weeks ago at a Wal-Mart in Martinsville, VA, the baby Jesus was spotted in a Christmas aisle.

At first Gladys, the middle aged woman who found him, thought he was merely an abandoned child, one of many that has occurred all across the country in the wake of Trump’s election.  But when she held up the boy next to a small nativity scene set (now on sale for just $12.99), she instantly recognized his likeness.

“I can’t believe that his mother would just abandon this poor little child here,” Gladys said adding, “I’m sure glad I found him on the Christmas aisle.  If he had been on the electionics aisle, the poor little guy would have starved to death.”

The baby was immediately taken provided foster care with interracial gay couple Jamal and Michael, both of whom are ecstatic about raising our Lord and Savior.

“We just can’t wait to make sure that xe becomes the person xe is meant to be,” said Jamal.

“Teaching xe about all the new things like non-binary genders and the true meaning of love will be a lot of fun,” Michael added.

The strain of being abandoned by his mother, though, appears to have caused the child some mental trama.

“Xe’s starting to throw things at us,” said Jamal, “it’s amazing really.  We were having this little Clinton rally in our home with a bunch of other friends.  We heard xe crying and when I came in with a bottle while still wearing my party costume, I was suddenly hit in the arm with a metal top Michael found while antiquing.  It must be telekinesis or something.”

The couple has taken the baby to a therapist who has already prescribed the baby anti-depressants.

“Once xe started taking medication, we were able to feed xe without incident, even in our night apparel,” Michael said, his husband adding, “Oh Michael, nobody needs to hear about that.”

Despite this minor setback, Pope Francis has already visited the baby, although he had to be removed when he tried to strangle the child.  Several world leaders have also requested an audience with the baby, most involving some kind of “Spirit Cooking” event, but the happy couple have declined for now.

“Xe’s just a bit overwhelmed by all the attention,” said Michael, “we just don’t want xe to be exposed to that kind of stressful environment until xe is at least 3 years old.”

The couple is hopeful they’ll be able to adopt Jesus into their lives and maybe being hormone treatments to make xe the proper gender xe is supposed to be.

A continual vigil is being held outside the couple’s home in Roanoke right with many religions claiming ownership of the child.  Their candlelight is barely visible in the night, though, since there seems to be an unusual star in the night sky.  Scientists are still investigating but are confident that the star’s appearance is just a coincidence.