Friday, October 31, 2008

Presidential Voting Guide 2008!!!!

Since this happens to be the one election that will determine the entire direction of our nation, because without the President in power society would collapse, I've decided to put together a voter's guide for everyone who doesn't read my blog, because I'm not a hot chick:

-Barack Obama. The Democrats are really good at picking losers it seems. Not that he will lose on Tuesday. The only reason he will win is because the biggest contender for the emperor's new clothes just happens to be just as big a loser as he is. I've heard countless stories about how he's a radical, how he will drive our nation into Socialism, how he hides his past, associates with known terrorists, and doesn't take care of his extended family. Despite all that, Barack Obama's polices don't differ all that much from John McCain. The worst he could do is probably about the same as John McCain with a few key differences: one, Obama is not an individual and therefore not a leader. He doesn't have an original thought of his own, just what other people tell him to do. While this could be dangerous while in power, it could also mean that he would be more manageable, so long as We The People harass Congress enough. Second, he does seem to believe that rich people steal from the poor, even though he voted to bail out Wall Street. But really, none of this matters because I wouldn't vote for a Democrat this year anyway.

-John McCain. The Republicans picked a big loser too. This is why the race is too close to call right now. The big reason why John McCain is a spectacular loser is mainly because just after he picked Sarah Palin, a solid VP choice, he took his campaign gun and shot himself in the face by voting for the Wall Street bailout just a few weeks later. If he hadn't done that, he would have been way ahead in the polls right now, as many conservatives, who McCain needs to win, suddenly lost their Palin-high and realized what a douchebag he really is. John McCain has the uncanny ability to be on the wrong side of everything at any time, like the Bush tax cuts, the Inferior Court decisions with the gang of 14, and probably dozens of other things. The bailout package was probably the latest in a series of snubs of the American people and his own party. With him as party lead, conservatives will have even less of a say in the Republican party for the next 4 to 8 years. And the only hope for Sarah Palin to become President is for him to die in office of a heart attack or cancer or old age. No, I don't wish such a thing on anyone, but it's the blunt truth of the matter. (Note to Secret Service: This isn't a threat on anyone's life. Why don't you investigate Sandra Bernhardt for threatening to have Sarah Palin gang raped by big black "friends")

-Bob Barr. OK, I have to admit I'm leaning toward voting for him by default. He is the Libertarian party candidate and while I have some issues with the Libertarian party, at least they are the fiscally conservative people. What this nation really needs is someone who will veto everything that comes to his desk. To quote Lewis Black: "a Republican stands up and says, 'I've got a really bad idea' and a Democrat stands up and says, 'and I know how to make it even shittier!!'"

-Chuck Baldwin. This is guy is an Alex Jones-lite candidate. Sure he's running on the Constitution Party platform, but he's stuck on these conspiracy theory notions that I find amusing and stupid. Beyond that, I have a standard when it comes to judging character: never vote for someone who starts a church when they were in their twenties (or younger).

-Cynthia McKinney. Well, at least she'll punch out people who get in her way and then blame on their misogynistic racism.

-Ralph Nader. Honestly, no one really likes him except maybe Jim Carry. But then again, I wouldn't mind having that guy as a friend.

Well, that about sums it up in my view. So this election day, remember that your vote doesn't count, unless your state is too stupid to count (like Florida, Ohio, and New Hampshire), so cast your vote, buy a guy, find a religion, and cling to them both. That is until Congress outlaws both. Or worse yet, starts regulating both.