In a brazen and outright unforeseen action, Russia has invaded the Ukraine and subsequently taken babies out of incubators and left them to die on the floor of the hospital. They've also torn down all the churches in the Ukraine and replaced them with Scientology centers.
Lastly, they've required all attractive Ukrainian women to report to breeding centers while all unattractive women and all Ukrainian men are to report to sterilization chambers. Once they've completed their respective procedures, all Ukrainians will be granted their weekly Kuznyechik coins, Russia's premier cryptocurrency.
Also, they had the audacity to bomb all of the US bioweapons labs in the Ukraine, thus preventing the next round of COVID and hurting the profits of Big Pharma.
In response to this, the United States "President" Biden has responded with the following:
- New sanctions against Russia, including banning pornography and Pride flags from being imported into Russia.
- A demand that Russia recognize the Nazi regime in Ukraine and provide them with Pride-Swastikas flags.
- Russia must cease all space exploration on threat of being hit with banana attacks.
- Russia must follow the lead of Canada and freeze the bank accounts of all Canadian truckers.
- Putin must step down and let "that guy who made that Hardcore Henry movie" take over.
- Provide Hunter Biden with all the Ukrainian hookers he asks for, provided that they all look like his niece.
- Give back "President" Biden his jacket.
- Finally, Russian officials must withdraw all troops, ducks, and moon pies from the Ukraine and leave behind an apology letter written in macaroni.
No word on whether or not Biden will challenge Putin to a round of Mario Kart or Quidditch, but White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki has indicated that he "wouldn't rule it out".
Political pundits all across the United States are upset with Russia's actions against the Nazi regime, claiming that he can't just pull an "America in the Middle East."
Meanwhile, President Vladimir Putin was last seen wrestling a bear and eating a Reuban, made for him by Jill Biden. No word on whether the Reuban was made using Russian dressing or Chinese duck sauce, but it is assumed the former, as the Chinese can't build effective sandwiches, which is why you always buy them in bulk.