Monday, May 16, 2011

What’s Phase Two?

Well it’s that time of year again.  The flowers are blowing, in spite of global cooling global warming climate change, the birds are laying eggs like crazy, and another batch of college students are being pumped out of the education system like a Jackavosaurus in labor.

I’ll bet many of you feel proud to have gotten an expensive piece of paper.  Especially if your major is in Communications, Political Science, Philosophy, or Education.  I’m sure I could list other utter worthless degrees, but I’ve got more important things to tell you: you are moving back into your parents’ house with about 22,000 in debt.

There’s no shame in moving in with your parents really.  I mean, the cost of living in most metropolitan areas has skyrocketed, largely because of rent control laws, subsidized rent for government workers, and because those are the only areas where your worthless skills can be of any use.  You think a farmer cares about the ramblings of Niche or the differences in the political systems of France and the United Kingdom?

But let me tell you a monumental secret that your guidance councilor didn’t bother to mention: your student loan will be with you for the rest of your working career not matter what you do.  Unless, of course, you pay it of early, but you’re too busy hitting the night life after finishing up your shift at that burger joint to notice.

Let me explain: you cannot declare bankruptcy on your government loan that you got for your education.  Any bankruptcy lawyer worth his fee (which is odd that he is able to feed his family considering his clientele are deadbeats) will tell you that you’re stuck with it like that Herpes you got from odd looking dwarf that one spring break night when you were high on whipped cream fumes.

What’s that now?  You say you just make your payments if you aren’t able to?

Don’t make me write laughter on this page.  Once you stop paying your government student loans, the government will garnish your wages without a court order, unlike pretty much every other debt you stop paying on.  You see, the government doesn’t care if you can barely make ends meet.  I know, they said they cared about the poor and the downtrodden, but for one thing, you’re not a minority, and for another, you’re working and making money, which makes you rich.  Only poor people are on welfare, anyone making money is rich, after all.

So now you regret that <insert worthless degree title here> four-year-degree you spent five years to get?  Well, didn’t they teach about cost analysis in High School before you went to College?

Oh yeah, they don’t teach you basic personal finances or basic economic lessons in government schools because they don’t want you be smart.  Knowledge is power and when individuals have knowledge, the government has less power.  You see, the State wants slaves, err I mean good citizens, not individuals.  How do you think they keep their power going?  Through sheer force or by the mandated force of gullible sheeple?

Yeah, I know that you didn’t learn any of this in college either.  Colleges, you see, are merely a business since it isn’t mandatory.  They probably have the greatest scam of all going for them in that they have convinced a large number of idiots that a college degree is necessary for a nice salary.  In any case, even if you took an economics course or two, you were probably never told to apply those principles to the value of your college education.  The wouldn’t want you to drop out and find real work, now would they?

I’m sorry to be a downer here at your graduation party.  I know was I hired to toast you, but my conscious wouldn’t be clean then.  Your best hope is to go work at a retail store of some kind and become manager.  You’ll blend into the crowd of the rest of us and will be unable to do anything about it because of the enormous debt burden you were tricked into accepting for a worthless degree.

But still, congratulations on getting through phase one.  I’m not sure what phase two will be for you, but phase three is that you die.  NOW GO FORTH AND DIE!!!!