I travelled to South Carolina to spend Christmas with my brother-in-law’s family. Naturally, my parents-in-law were there as well and, as expect, there were some problems. My mother-in-law, you see, is a woman consumed with self-loathing for her appearance and has serious problems with envy and jealousy (no, they aren’t the same thing). She is an extremely abusive spouse and it’s a wonder my father-in-law hasn’t packed up and left her years ago for all the bad things she has done. I suspect he is incapable of doing so because he seems like someone who is incapable of taking care of himself on his own. Fortunately, that’s starting to change. For the past year or so, he’s come to the realization that he’s in an abusive relationship with his wife (did the fist to the pacemaker not convince you?) and he is starting to assert himself. Unfortunately, he’s also acting like a child in the process at times.
My brother-in-law has sought in the past to change his mother for the better. But his short temper caused him to just berate and yell at her and blame them for the problems in his own life. He seems much more understanding of the situation now and also accepts his responsibilities now. One thing that really turned him around was becoming a father himself and seeing firsthand how things should have been in his own childhood. Both my wife and my other brother-in-law have accepted that their mother is more than likely mentally ill and more than likely will not get better, but worse before we have to bury her. I think the oldest brother-in-law has recognized this as well and has set boundaries.
Bear this in mind because what happened on Christmas night is just a small fragment of a much longer string of events that my wife and I have heard about and dealt with. My brother-in-law had rented The Other Guys, a movie featuring Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell. It also featured Eva Mendes in a role that featured many shots of her cleavage. There was no nudity at all in the version we watched (at least what we did watch), just a few attractive actresses showing off some skin. During this movie, my mother-in-law got upset over this skin, but it had nothing to do with the movie being indecent. The ugly truth is, she is an ugly woman who lets envy consume her. She didn’t like watching this movie and she especially didn’t like her husband watching it either. Also, I don’t think she caught on to the jokes.
A fight ensued when she demanded to know if my brother-in-law would show this movie to his parents-in-law. He said that he would because it was his house and he would watch any movie he wanted. If she didn’t like it, she could go to the other room (she knew this, she just wanted her husband to go with her, which he wouldn’t seeing as how he was more assertive of his own desires now). She shot back that maybe she’ll just leave and go home (it was 10 PM at this point). My father-in-law responded by saying that they should go then and proceeded to load up the car and prepare to leave. Fortunately, they didn’t leave that night because I’m pretty sure they would have been killed in a car crash.
This whole incident serves to highlight something though: when you marry someone, you double your family tree. In other words, you don’t just marry your wife or husband, but their family as well. And every problem, every annoying relative they have becomes your relative. This is something you usually don’t hear about in romance novels, romantic movies, or from married couples themselves.
I’m not saying that you shouldn’t marry someone if you have a problem with their family. Think of them as another set of extended family members. If you set your boundaries correctly, and communicate them to your spouse before you get married, then you won’t have to deal with them often. The whole reason my wife and I travelled nine hours to my brother-in-law for Christmas was because we were certain that my parents-in-law would come to visit us in our small condo. And we have both decided that they are easier to manage with one of her other siblings around. It spreads out the social network and gives us chances to take five from them. Again, it’s all about the boundaries.
My mother-in-law is not someone who is so deranged that she needs to be committed. Well, not yet anyway. But she exhibits many signs of serious mental illness and quite possibly early signs of dementia. With my father-in-law still incapable of completely asserting control over the household, which is what needs to happen, the situations we find her in will only get worse as time progresses. And she will continually refuse to give up control in her life as her mental state deteriorates.
I really do hope that many of you don’t have to ever deal with this. I hope that the worst thing you ever deal with when it comes to in-laws is just plain old-fashioned resentment. That’s easy compared to dealing with mental illness, believe me. At least with resentment, you have a good excuse to not visit that person. How do you tell someone you’re suppose to honor that you don’t like them and hate spending time with them?