Most of the crap I write about is pulled out of the dark recesses of my brain. Usually it is based solely on conjecture and personal observations, rather then actual facts. I don’t like wasting my time looking crap up.
In any case, anything you read on my blog is probably wrong. Not to say that it isn’t wrong, just that it could be. But I suppose I’ve broken some blogger’s code somewhere out there. I’m pretty sure that there are unspoken rules of blogging, despite there usually being no rules at all.
I have some suggestions for my fellow bloggers out there:
- Don’t stop blogging. If you do, you will lose followers. Americans have short attention spans and blogging is the microwave oven of “friendship”. Plus, you’d lose revenue if you run ads.
- Never try to make your ad revenue honestly. You don’t make money doing it honestly.
- If you are a woman, you need to post pictures of your hot body. If you don’t have a hot body, just lie with someone else’s pictures. I guarantee that no matter how smart you really are, you will seem much smarter. Just keep in mind, though, that men (and boys) will be men, so I hope that whatever they end up doing while staring your “pictures” is OK with you.
- Remember that as a blogger, you are automatically a genius. You know everything and it doesn’t matter what anyone else says.
- Never, ever, ever, ever admit that you are wrong in any of your assertions or opinions. This is because you aren’t wrong, you are simply slightly mistaken. When you find yourself outdone by some snot-nosed punk, simply pull a Joseph Stalin. Change the blog post and delete any comments referring to what was originally said. You may have to completely remove the offending blog post. Deny that it ever existed. This is a rare case, however, and usually you won’t have to do this if you…
- Make sure that you never cite any references when citing facts. This way you can absolve yourself of any “mistakes” by simply stating that you were writing it all from memory. Although you, of course, are lying because you have perfect memory, that excuse should be sufficient for the worthless peons who read your brilliant posts.
- If you are man, always be sure to include provocative pictures of women. They don’t have to be nude, just sexy. It doesn’t have to do with the actual nature of the blog, just something to keep your traffic up.
- Interact with fellow bloggers by clicking on their Google Adsense links and then contact them demanding they do the same. If they do not, then badmouth them in your social networking sites.
- Remember that the people who read your blog are less intelligent than you are. If they comment on a particular post, be nice, but never concede to a point that doesn’t fit your own worldview.
- If you primarily post political blogs, be sure to do humorous and satirical ones every once and a while. Otherwise people may lose interest. Politics can be dull and boring at times. Unless, of course, you follow rule #7 or #3.
If you follow these rules, you’ll be successful blogger, especially if you are a hot woman. In fact, hot women are probably 100 times more likely to make blogging a career because women talk more and men are sexual beings.
If, on the other hand, you happen to be a white male who is slightly overweight, you’re probably stuck with the few followers you have (and half of them are really just bots). Sorry, but nothing you do will get you more followers, so you’re going to have to just find your self-esteem elsewhere.
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