How To: Discern The Difference Between DPs and Gops

So, you’ve decided to finally become politically active.  Maybe it was after all those text messages you sent in to American Idol and realized that people actually do this for the President as well.  Maybe you were embarrassed nationally when you were put on one of Sean Hannity’s man on the street interviews.  Or maybe your doctor recommended that you develop some level of stress or your heart will just stop from lack of motivation.
But when you started looking into politics, you realized that there were two distinct parties.  OK, that’s fair enough.  One is called the Democratic Party and the other is the Gops.  For some reason the press spells G-O-P when referring to them, probably because they are trying to be sensitive to the old ladies who watch their shows or something.  You don’t really know.  It is probably the same reason why it’s called the Democratic Party and not DP for short, which seems a little stupid and not well thought out.  I mean, they have the donkey as their symbol, right?
So you don’t know much about either party, but you want to vote.  Well, there are few requirements for voting you must pass before you even figure it out.  First off, are you either a) a legal United States citizen (no, driver’s license does not count) or b) an illegal alien from Mexico?  If you are either of these, you are qualified to vote.  Unless you are an ex-con, in which case you must fill out an absentee ballot and mail it to Florida in order.  Be sure to write in Al Gore so he can be certain that he won the 2000 presidential race.
Now that you are sure that you are qualified to vote, you now need to know the difference between the Gops and the DPs.  Here’s a short list of the important issues you probably don’t care about, but damn it feels good to stand for something:

• The DPs are pro-scrambling unborn babies’ brains.  Sure, they call it abortion, but we’ve all seen horror flicks.  Anyway, the Gops are opposed to this practice on the grounds that a baby’s brain is a precious thing.  They won’t step up to change the practice though, but hey, it feels good to take a moral stance when you vote Gop.
• The DPs want to take money from the rich and give to the poor, but what they mean are their friends of poor moral fiber.  The Gops want to take money from the rich and give to the other rich.  In both cases, the rich are merely people who make more money then they do when they are working for public office.
• The DPs want everyone to not own guns.  Since you don’t own a gun, this doesn’t matter to you, but please consider the sheer delight in busting a cap in someone’s ass when considering the merits of gun control.  As far as I can tell, most Gops don’t bother to make a strong stance on mandatory gun ownership, but hey, at least you can vote for the Gop and feel like you’ve just busted a cap in somebody’s ass.
• The DPs hate it when your e-mails are read by some guy in a cubicle who works for the government.  Unless their man is in the Whitehouse, then it’s OK.  The same applies to the Gops, only it’s when their guy is in the Whitehouse.
• Likewise, the DPs are very anti-war and even have followers with signs that say as much.  These people are usually nerds who don’t bath, the worst kind of nerd.  Anyway, the DPs are anti-war, but don’t seem too concerned when their guys start wars or escalate them.  Of course, since the DPs aren’t too keen on winning, they create endless wars.  The Gops are perfectly willing to go to war, don’t have many followers in this regard, but are unwilling to fight as well.
• Neither party votes in American Idol.  Get over it.
• The DPs want to raise your taxes, that is if you actually made money.  The Gops want to lower your taxes, if you actually made a crapload of money.
• Neither party is any good at zero sum budgeting, much like you are.  This is where you only spend as much as you make and not a penny more.
• The Gops are full of old white men.  The DPs are full of old white men.  Both have a token member of every other race, except for Native Americans because they are the conquered race.  Vae Victis and all that.

Well, that’s a short list of the different political parties in America.  I’m sure there would be more, but for some reason they can only appear when the moon is full and they can come out and feast on the flesh of the living.  I think that is why most people don’t vote for them, in general.  They don’t really have a cool color or animal backing them up either (although, one may be represented by a beige humming bird).
So it’s really up to you.  Given the above situations, do you think it is better to vote in a political election, or to simply vote in American Idol and forget about raising your stress level any more than it already has been.  After all, there is no sense in confusing yourself over something that doesn’t really affect you.