Today on Rush Limbaugh’s show, he was talking about how President Barack Obama was not much of a man. This morning, I heard my wife quoting Dave Ramsey (who may have been quoting someone else) when he said that what separates men from boys is their families before their toys. It seems that everyone with a sentient thought has their own ideas about what a man should be or what a man is not and I am no exception.
In this highly feminized culture of ours, where we are taught compassion before discipline, it is very difficult to be a true man. I can remember riding with one of my roommates from college and we were discussing about this topic and we both concluded that we really didn’t know what it meant. Can you really blame us, though, having grown up in a government skool that favors girls over boys. College isn’t a great place to cultivate manliness either because it only encourages us to behave like boys. The very atmosphere of college is one of parties, alcohol, and video games. It’s a wonder that half of us actually graduate.
But I have grown in experience and knowledge since then and I think I have a better grasp of the subject now, especially since I’ve gotten married and had a chance to experience living with a woman. No, this isn’t a requirement for men to understand what it takes to be a man, but if you have a wise and discerning heart, it helps greatly. Unfortunately, there are many boys out there who get married, remain boys, and wonder why they end up divorced in the end. Maybe I can help with that.
First of all, being a man means that your life will be a struggle against everything material. When God placed His curse on Adam, he wasn’t kidding around. Whether or not you believe what the Bible says is irrelevant in this case because I think it illustrates my point perfectly. Your life will be one struggle after another. You will fail in some, succeed in others, and many will still be with you until you face and lose that one last struggle in your life. You will struggle with your job, your money, your wife, your children, your identity, and even your god, if you have one. When Jacob wrestled God (or an angel representing God, either way the ultimate point remains), He renamed Jacob to “Israel” which means “struggles with God.”
These struggles is our lot in life. There is no point in falling into despair over them because they serve a purpose in our lives. For every struggle that we triumph over, for every little victory we gain, we become stronger in will and better equipped to handle the next one. Yes, we will fail to triumph in many of the struggles that come our way, but the ones we overcome just become that much sweeter. They empower us to be better men so that when we do face that last struggle in our lives, we can face it with dignity, even if that last one is marked with immeasurable suffering.
The second thing I’ve found about being a man is that marriage is not beneficial to us whatsoever, at least in Western society. And when I say beneficial, I mean in a monetary sense, not really in any other capacity. Women gain much more out of marriage than men do, as it really only adds to our responsibilities and thus, creates more struggles. I would recommend that if you are a single man and cannot comprehend this, then you should not be getting married anytime soon. I love my wife and I will do what I have to do to be a good husband to her, but that means that I cannot do the things I want to do whenever I want. A married man’s ultimate obligation in life is to his wife and most men cannot grasp this.
The third thing I have noticed is that real men are mature enough to be able to not be driven by their sex drive. Sex is a want, not a need and a real man recognizes this as such. While the desires can be strong, a true man is able to control them and not be ruled by them. This is how women control many men in Western society because they usually have better control over their sex drive then men do and often times use this to control them. While men struggle against everything, women struggle with men, as is their lot in life. Men need to recognize this and maintain the strength of will and discipline to overcome it, otherwise they will die in despair and self-loathing. You ever see an old man complaining about his wife all the time? It’s usually because he never did assert control over his household and instead let his wife control him.
I admit that there are power struggles in my own marriage. And I will admit that there are times when I am wrong, however, I do not back down from my wife when I know I am right. You need to assert yourself as the head of the household, a position that is earned, not bestowed upon you by default. Again, it comes back to the first observation I made.
Fourth, a real man never breaks his word, never starts a fight (but always finishes it), and stands firm in his principles. All these things will add to the struggles, but it is through these struggles that you affirm these things.
Finally, a man knows when it is time to play and time to work. Your life may be just a long series of struggles, but you can find rest and relaxation in your life. A real man, however, knows when he can relax and is willing to delay pleasure in order to fulfill his pressing obligations. That may mean doing things for your wife or kids that you don’t want to do. That may mean working more in order to fulfill some obligation at your job. That may mean that you don’t have a life like you used to when you were a boy. But it doesn’t mean you won’t eventually find time to rest and relax.
Always remember that being a man isn’t easy, but you are never allowed to complain about it, not even to your wife. Well, it’s OK to complain from time to time, but don’t make a habit out of it. Instead remember that these things will make you stronger, even in failure sometimes, and that we will be always fighting against the things of this world. But for what it’s worth, it’s not a permanent arrangement.