The greatest fear that the average man has, I think, is that he leads a life of mediocrity and not excellence. I know this seems a bit cliché to say, but I believe that everyone wants to matter in some capacity in their life before they die. At least that is the impression I get from the Western world. In any event, it certainly seems like that is what drives most ambitions.
I do not know if this is something that has been around since the beginning of our existence. Maybe the peasants of the Medieval period did not care too much about mattering in their lifetimes and worried more about getting food to eat. I have my doubts, however, because I believe that if that were true, then we would never have escaped the feudal period. The desire to make something of ourselves may be ingrained in our psyche.
This is probably why many men go through what is considered a “mid-life crisis.” In reality, it is more a crisis of the realization of our own mortality and our truly insignificant part we play out on this world. Such men look at their wife, their children, and their relatively unimportant job and realize that they have not done much else with their lives and that it is now coming to an end. They perceive their own end in the future and decide to have some fun while they can or attempt to do something that matters. In the end, many of them fail at this and they end up dying with regret or in despair. Not because they have wasted their lives in actuality, but because they perceive that they have.
I will not be sugarcoat anything, though. Our lives truly are insignificant, no matter what you believe. I am a Christian, but I am not a fool. I probably will never be a great man of God, who you would read about in the history books with awe and wonder. I was given a gift from Him, you see, a gift of accessing His wisdom and understanding of human nature and behavior. I am not boasting about this gift, because this gift comes directly from Him and He can take it away from me. For a long time, though, I believed that because I possessed this gift, this greater insight into the world as He sees it, I believed that I was destined for great things in life.
I believe now that such things are highly unlikely. While there is always a chance that God will call us to a greater ministry in His service, the vast majority of us live, eat, work, breed, and die without ever making a dent in the history books. My greatest fear was living a life of mediocrity. I believed that my wisdom was a gift to be used to lead people and to bring about great change in this world. But I can no more do that than I can stop my heart from beating by sheer will power.
What I failed to realize in all this, however, is that mediocrity in the world’s terms is not necessary a bad thing. After spending an entire year reading the entire Bible and doing it again this year, I have come to the conclusion that when God wants you to become his prophet or apostle or whatever you think it is, then you will have a terrible life. It will be wrought with sorrow and oppression and you will be unhappy if you let it all get to you. Many of those men did from time to time and God had to reassure them in some cases that it was all part of His plan.
I am an insignificant spec in the course of human events. I am slowly coming to accept that in my life, in spite of the gift He has granted me. It is hard to not fall into despair from it all, but I believe that I should just remember that He only demands my praise and love for Him and nothing greater than that.
Still, it is hard to face this sad, simple truth. While I do not believe that my time has passed yet and that I am still very young, I hold no expectations of anything greater than what I am now. Sure the career may change, my family may grow, and my wealth may increase, but my standing in God’s plan may not be anything to sneeze at.
I will admit, though, that my desires for my own life are conflicting. On the one hand, I wish to do great things, to change hearts and minds in a big way and to bring about a new way of seeing this world. I want the world to see things the way I do. But that is not always the way that God sees the world, despite the gift He has granted me.
On the other hand, I desire a quiet simple life and to possibly raise children of my own in my own way. I desire to live in a manner that is extraordinary but is nothing to write about in the history books. While I may have some degree of control over both choices, I believe that God’s Will for me will dominate my life and at the end of the day, I am nothing all that special.
Nothing more than a leaf in the wind, instantly inspiring awe and wonder, and passing through memory just as quickly. And that, I think, is the best case scenario for me.